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September 21, 2015

Come on...

One more noun and we'll have a whole sentence! What's your....question? Number? Status? Middle name? First name? Favorite food? 


WHAT'S MY WHAT GUY???

I haven't been on Match in weeks. Lost hope. Got a little back tonight, then...the first email I get is from this yayhoo...sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. Then I am reminded of all the free dinners. 😂

July 27, 2015

😂

😂


Read everything. Carefully. Because. I'm not sure wtf "water respreservation" is. I even googled it and first result was correcting me. 
Also

"Her be luving"?
Wtf is luving? 
Oh!! Loving. Ok. So this must be a new hybrid language of broken text messages that people used to use because they didn't have a qwerty phone and normal ENGLISH. 
WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?!
I've written way too many essays in college to write shit like this fuckin guy.
It really makes my brain hurt. 
Why would anyone want to date when that movie Idiocracy is coming true. 
200 years everyone will be speaking like they have brain damage. Every single person. 

July 25, 2015

Whiskey tango foxtrot

So. I have no idea what to make of this fuckin guy...he's had numerous crazy people in his life? Yeah boy. Sign me up for your crazy train. 
Little tip guys and gals. Do not reveal your crazy right up front. You hide that shit. Hide it until they are totally in love with you. Then. Still keep that shit locked away. No one wants a crazy person for a lover. 
Also. Who asks what your birthdate is in their first breath of introducing themselves. 
Before you read this email. Let's put it into perspective. Imagine I am at nice party. Like one where the guys are in tuxes and the ladies in nice sparkly dresses. And I'm at the bar ordering a drink. And this dude, Larry, walks up. And he says this :
Maybe I'll just respond with a meow. And walk away. 

July 17, 2015

SMH.



Weird AF? Right?
Is he saying he'd rather cuddle with his dog...or...did I read that wrong?
Also. If I have to go through and autocorrect for the guy...it's an immediate turn off. I can't spell for shit. But...at least I try and autocorrect the hell out of everything I type. Then. For safe measures. I read it. To see what I said makes sense. And. I hate when people use lol. I grew up in the chat rooms in 97-02...yeah...I could have been on that show to catch a predator- but lol (pronounced lull) is weird to me. Who says "laugh out loud". I always put ha ha
Or. If it's really funny. I say bahahahaha
Cuz it's like I'm virtually choking on a sip of whatever I was drinking when the person made me lol or haha. 

I guess I could respond. "My Friday night is lol'ing. He's good. I'm cuddled up with my Friday right now. 
How's your dog?"



Finally

So I've been chatting with a fella recently. 
He owns an automotive business...fitting I know. (So do I) 
He also owns his own home (so he says- I'll vet him later)
And has a 1500 sq ft garage! 
Perfect for all of my cars/jeeps/trucks to work on!
I'm pretty sure if this handsome guy asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would. 

I'm also talking to like 15 other dudes. So. It's kind of like my own version of the bachelorette. Except none of the guys know this...so...😂

July 13, 2015

Do I have to respond to all emails?

So here is how my response would be. And yes. I'm a bitch. Totally. But. After dating the last oh 3-4 assholers that thought I was rich and wanted to be with me because they thought I could buy them everything...well that's created one hell of a cynical bitch. 

So here is what I wanna say. But won't. Because I don't like to crush innocents. Only ones who deserve it. Yup. Totally bitch. 

Nate,
I see that you make 35-50k. The car in my pictures is actually worth more than your yearly salary. I can appreciate you have the balls to email someone who is obviously out of your league but to be honest I am way more than you could ever hope for. 

Right?? I'm a horrible person. But seriously I have a saying "if you have to ask how much something is, you cannot afford it" 
I once spent $600 on a pair of sunglasses because I didn't ask how much they were. And yes. I kept them. 
If I told this guy I bought a $600 pair of glasses a few $2000 purses he'd probably either A propose within a few months or B run away. 
I've raised the bar on the guys I date. Unfortunately, I cannot be the woman I used to be where any poor man will do. A poor man is a lazy man. That same lazy guy could be working his ass off to be somebody. But instead, he's sitting on his ass working a dead end 8-6 job making hardly enough to feed himself. 
Sorry. But. No thanks. 


July 12, 2015

5 years and he's still stalking me. Wonderful.



So I got an email from this guy. And I wrote back and started checking out his profile- (first...let me point out that I asked a question and he just gave a response. No conversation flow) 
And saw a picture that looked familiar. 
So. I searched his user name...


And. Found this email I had written to matche's abuse team. From 2010!!
Over 5 years ago. And he's still using the same pic which is gross. 


So here's what I remember from this whack job. 
We went on a date and I honestly hardly remember it- and then like two years later we went on another. Toward the end of our date he says "well this is actually our second date" I was trying to remember. So he leaned back in the booth and was just staring at me. Like he enjoyed watching me try to remember. I told him I didn't remember. And he got kind of mad. I got out of their really quick after that and he kept texting me and calling me for weeks. I did tell him I wasn't interested and he started going off on me. Sorry you creepy mother fucker. I'm out. Again. 


How do I conversate?

I know conversate isn't really a word. But seriously. If I ask you a question. And you give me an answer but don't fucking ask me anything how are we supposed to "conversate"?? This guy winked at me or liked me or however they do it...and so I sent him an email...and then he sent me one...and the conversation died. Because he shot it. Fucking retard. I guess at least he was polite? 
Shit like this makes me never wanna date guys. I bet if I dated a woman I'd at least be able to have conversations with her.  

June 23, 2015

Your screen name is what???

SMH

Why?

Why would someone take a selfie like this? I'm totally one of those people that looks at the picture of the person, but, then also looks at the background. For stuff like dirty clothes, and other unclean things. 
But this guy. I can't get a good read on this one...since he took a picture of his CEILING!! 

Tonight is obviously old man night...

This guy looks like a semi famous actor- Robert Knepper


This guy claims he is 37...

But I don't buy it - 
This is a meme I found to express my scepticism. 



June 8, 2015

Nope.


I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that I have once again raised my standards. Especially after the last asshole that I was with...especially because of him. I lowered my standards because I thought, hey, he's nice. But. Nice only gets you so far. 
So. Here I go. I get roughly 5-10 emails a day. So. I'm going to pick a part each guy I date, because, apparently I'm a hot commodity and when supply and demand kicks in...well...there's only one of me, right?

So. Here is tonight's pick apart. 
I'd love a casino. And a coffee. Don't need a movie buddy. And no. Definitely don't want to get to know you...unless you can really buy me a casino.
You had me at damn pretty, and lost me at casino...sorry. Onto the next. 

May 24, 2015

You're 29???

Yeah. You were 29 like 35 years ago...
I hate liars. 
Especially obvious liars. If you're going to lie, make sure you're actually good at it... 

May 1, 2015

Guy is actually smooth...

His plan all along:

Hi...guy?

Another game of let's look at the background...

Ok. First thing that catches my attention is his earring. To me a guy with an earring or two, unless they're plugs, says "I'm just dating women so no one will know the truth" think Bruce Jenner. 

2. It looks like he snapped this pic while at his job at CVS or Walgreens...notice the pepto in the background. I am assuming it's the health isle. 

3. Are those old lady glasses???


Wow...


I don't know if it's this guys "Mobil" hat or his happy little face, but I'm gonna try and date him for sure. He looks like a winner. 

Looking for a green card?


😟. 
😂 I wish you a nice day. 
I'm gonna have to pass. One of my requirements is you have to be fluent in English. So we can communicate. 

Some dating advice...

This is from Evan Marc Katz. He actually pretty brilliant. And his advice has worked for me- I did almost get married to that lying piece of work...but luckily I have respect(ed) myself enough to leave once I found out he lied more than a Persian rug. His article I read today- and have read in the past- gives the advice to simply do nothing when in a relationship with a guy. Because if he wants to be with you, he will. All you have to do is say yes. 


April 29, 2015

Mental Selfies...

I've decided I'm going choose one guy a night and critique the hell outta him. Constructive criticism never hurt anyone right? Unless you're a little bitch. 

For tonight's critique we have this guy:

I'd like to bring your attention to what the words say on his picture. "Me being funny haha I love making people laugh" poor dummy has no idea people are laughing at him, and not with or because of him. And what the fuck is in his closet?! It looks like he has a bunch of Jenga pieces in plastic containers. And that top shelf is so loaded down with shit I am pretty sure this guy may have been crushed immediately after this picture was taken. How cool would that have been if right as he was snapping away on his twin bed the shelf broke and Jenga pieces came crashing down on him. The look on his face would have been epic. 


Ok so now. Direct your attention to his second picture. Below. 👇


Now. Scroll up and down until you can spot everything that is different in his pictures. Sort of like those games we'd play as a kid. 

First. Now all of a sudden he has trash bags on top of his lamp that is in front of his closet. Why?! Who does this. 
Wait. Maybe he was trying to support the shelf?? 
Also. Look at the wall behind one of the twin beds. (Which- I didn't address this in the other pic but what is a 30ish man  doing still sleeping in a twin bed with another next to it?) yeah. You know what? I feel really bad. I'm pretty sure this guy may be a little mental...again. I'm really sorry...not. 😂😏


Does your Dickchang low do it wobble to da flo?

You guys. His user name is "DickChang"
Immediately that song popped into my head. Only. Instead of chain hang it was replaced with DickChang.

At first I thought...

Saw this gem tonight while browsing through the online catalog of men. And. At first. I thought it was a mask...but. It's actually his face. 😂👎
Not to be mean. But. He looks like an old woman...aww. So sad guy. Let's try and look up into the camera when you take a selfie. 
(I know I'm totally baggin on this guy- and for that I apologize. Onto the next!)


April 28, 2015

This.

I really hope you're laughing as much as I am. 
It looks like he is constipated you guys. 


Which is it? This? Or that?

So as you may have found, I am extra critical of the guys I contemplate dating or date. It's funny too- but I'm also very picky. I'd rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. 

Let's move onto this feller. 
He "liked" me earlier today and wrote me an email tonight. Nice email. Tells me more about himself. But. Me being the picket man eater I am- I'm going to rip it apart. 
First. This guy seems like a narcissist. Notice. It's all about him. I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I wanna talk about- and that's all I remember of that sad country song...
But really. He didn't end with a question about myself to answer- he ended with "if you want to know anything else about me ask!" 
What if I don't want to know? What if I'd like to tell you about me too. Or see what about me. Interests you. Like. Oh I don't know. How may fucking day was??

Second. He says he doesn't see why humor shouldn't be a part of everything but he can be serious. He likes the snow unless there is none. He's hot unless it's cold. He's hungry unless he's full. To me- he is trying to say he's this unless I don't like this then he'll be that. 

Sorry sharialakamed. I have no questions to ask. Now, piss off. 

Also. I totally just noticed y'all can see what I'm shopping for. That'll be for my home design diy blog. The backyard makeover. Or rather it's just dirt. So I have to design and put it all together. 


Mother fucker...

So. Day one of a 6 month trial. And who's interested??? Oh. These fellas. Winning. (Please note the harsh sarcasm!!)
I wonder if their parole officers know they're dating online. 
NEXT.

Well hello there...


Well hey there...whoever you are. 
I've decided I don't want to end up alone with cats. And living alone. With my cats. Because. Well. I'm gonna be honest. I really hate cats. So. I decided to sign up for match.com. Yes. If you would like to date me. Please fill out the application on my listing. And I'll let you know if it's ok. 
So for the next 6 months, I'm going to try my damnedest to make you laugh and hopefully pee your pants. If I don't, there are no refunds. 

First up. Help me. I've just re done my profile. There are no body shots, because well...I had shoulder surgery and chocolate brownie ice cream made the pain go away better than any pain killer the doc gave me. Unfortunately the side effects were weight gain. But don't worry. I'm popping diet pills like crazy. 😂

Here is my new profile. If you like Star Wars or the matrix- you'll probably appreciate it. Please. Let me know what you think as I am literally trying to sell my self. But for free. So like a free prostitute only like a more serious full time one? That's horrible.