Mental Selfies...

I've decided I'm going choose one guy a night and critique the hell outta him. Constructive criticism never hurt anyone right? Unless you're a little bitch. 

For tonight's critique we have this guy:

I'd like to bring your attention to what the words say on his picture. "Me being funny haha I love making people laugh" poor dummy has no idea people are laughing at him, and not with or because of him. And what the fuck is in his closet?! It looks like he has a bunch of Jenga pieces in plastic containers. And that top shelf is so loaded down with shit I am pretty sure this guy may have been crushed immediately after this picture was taken. How cool would that have been if right as he was snapping away on his twin bed the shelf broke and Jenga pieces came crashing down on him. The look on his face would have been epic. 

Ok so now. Direct your attention to his second picture. Below. 👇

Now. Scroll up and down until you can spot everything that is different in his pictures. Sort of like those games we'd play as a kid. 

First. Now all of a sudden he has trash bags on top of his lamp that is in front of his closet. Why?! Who does this. 

Wait. Maybe he was trying to support the shelf?? 

Also. Look at the wall behind one of the twin beds. (Which- I didn't address this in the other pic but what is a 30ish man  doing still sleeping in a twin bed with another next to it?) yeah. You know what? I feel really bad. I'm pretty sure this guy may be a little mental...again. I'm really sorry...not. 😂😏

Does your Dickchang low do it wobble to da flo?

You guys. His user name is "DickChang"

Immediately that song popped into my head. Only. Instead of chain hang it was replaced with DickChang.

At first I thought...

Saw this gem tonight while browsing through the online catalog of men. And. At first. I thought it was a mask...but. It's actually his face. 😂👎

Not to be mean. But. He looks like an old woman...aww. So sad guy. Let's try and look up into the camera when you take a selfie. 

(I know I'm totally baggin on this guy- and for that I apologize. Onto the next!)

This.

I really hope you're laughing as much as I am. 

It looks like he is constipated you guys. 

Which is it? This? Or that?

So as you may have found, I am extra critical of the guys I contemplate dating or date. It's funny too- but I'm also very picky. I'd rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. 

Let's move onto this feller. 

He "liked" me earlier today and wrote me an email tonight. Nice email. Tells me more about himself. But. Me being the picket man eater I am- I'm going to rip it apart. 

First. This guy seems like a narcissist. Notice. It's all about him. I wanna talk about me, wanna talk about I wanna talk about- and that's all I remember of that sad country song...

But really. He didn't end with a question about myself to answer- he ended with "if you want to know anything else about me ask!" 

What if I don't want to know? What if I'd like to tell you about me too. Or see what about me. Interests you. Like. Oh I don't know. How may fucking day was??

Second. He says he doesn't see why humor shouldn't be a part of everything but he can be serious. He likes the snow unless there is none. He's hot unless it's cold. He's hungry unless he's full. To me- he is trying to say he's this unless I don't like this then he'll be that. 

Sorry sharialakamed. I have no questions to ask. Now, piss off. 

Also. I totally just noticed y'all can see what I'm shopping for. That'll be for my home design diy blog. The backyard makeover. Or rather it's just dirt. So I have to design and put it all together. 

Mother fucker...

So. Day one of a 6 month trial. And who's interested??? Oh. These fellas. Winning. (Please note the harsh sarcasm!!)

I wonder if their parole officers know they're dating online. 

NEXT.

Well hello there...

Well hey there...whoever you are. 

I've decided I don't want to end up alone with cats. And living alone. With my cats. Because. Well. I'm gonna be honest. I really hate cats. So. I decided to sign up for match.com. Yes. If you would like to date me. Please fill out the application on my listing. And I'll let you know if it's ok. 

So for the next 6 months, I'm going to try my damnedest to make you laugh and hopefully pee your pants. If I don't, there are no refunds. 

First up. Help me. I've just re done my profile. There are no body shots, because well...I had shoulder surgery and chocolate brownie ice cream made the pain go away better than any pain killer the doc gave me. Unfortunately the side effects were weight gain. But don't worry. I'm popping diet pills like crazy. 😂

Here is my new profile. If you like Star Wars or the matrix- you'll probably appreciate it. Please. Let me know what you think as I am literally trying to sell my self. But for free. So like a free prostitute only like a more serious full time one? That's horrible.